Too long an idiot
Jan. 24th, 2006 03:01 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
forsythTonight... Okay, this morning, I'm going to puncture one of the myths near and dear to the heart of many a geek guy. One which most people probably figured out long ago, but while I may be smart, my brain seems to run a bit behind the world. Sometimes five minutes, sometimes much longer.
Chicks don't dig jerks. Seriously. Oh, I'm sure there are some, generalizations are always wrong in specific. But for the most part, it's not the fact they're jerks that interests the women. It's a matter of signal jamming, and something much simpler too. I'll try and explain.
Women are attracted to alpha males. Just look at the kinds of women that hang around celebrities, CEOs, and other guys with fame, power, prestige, money, that sort of thing. It's not their fault, it's genetic and mental hardwiring, the same kind that makes them even attracted to guys in the first place, so not worth bitching about. And it's not absolute, but it's there. Power and social status are aphrodisiacs. And don't start smirking guys, we do the same thing. Though it's generally not to exactly the same kinds of stimulus, it's more visual. It's all a legacy of our East African Plains Ape ancestors, because it's best for the women to have children who share genes with the most successful males, who're best able to provide for said kids. Whereas guys tend to be more picking women for their health and ability to have kids who'll survive the upteen million stupid childhood diseases. But that's all just background.
What, you're wondering, do alpha males have to do with jerks? Jerks aren't usually alpha males, even though lots of alpha males are jerks! And what's all this talk about "alpha males", we're all unique and special flowers! I'll address the first question in a second. Third dude, I totally empathise with you, but there's still social hierarchies out there, and probably will be as long as there's people. Even if they're just as insipid as the local tiddlywinks league. And unlike MMORPGs, there's no floating name and rank over your head, no right click context menu to bring up the person's vital stats. What you see isn't what you get. But it's all you've got to go on. Besides what people say, there's a whole host of other kinds of communication, clothing, body language, etc, etc, etc. And if you're a geek like me, you're absolutely incompetent at reading all of that, which is part of the problem. But back to jerks.
Very few people think they're jerks. Maybe a few more than think they're evil, but maybe not. Evil's got some romance, being a jerk doesn't. But the other thing jerks don't realize is they're not alpha males. If it's stupidity, cockiness, acting, or whatever other reasons, they act like what they think they are, which is usually big badass alpha males. And since they act like it, that's what the women have to go on, at least until they figure out how to tell the cues that reveal jerks. Which, unfortunately, often have to be learned the hard way.
That's part of it. But it's not the main part. Most guys aren't alpha males. Everybody knows that. There's only so much subconscious fooling can do. No, the main reason jerks get the girls is much simpler. Because they act interested. Because they ask them out. Even if jerks are bad at reading women's signals, one of the defining traits that makes many jerks is they're self-absorbed. They don't wait around until they're sure if a woman's interested, they just go and hit on her. And if it doesn't work, they go after a different one. But that's not the important part. The important part is the asking. Even more than alpha males, women are interested in guys who act interested. Just like guys are more interested in women who act interested. Women have egos too. And if you don't act interested, they have no reason to figure you're not. Relationships aren't like nuclear war, the only way to win is to play the game.
Which doesn't mean be a jerk. Because like I said, women learn from experience, and jerks aren't worth it. Even if it fools them at first, they're not going to want to stay with a jerk. That's what Slick's been learning.
So, dudes, it's not that women like jerks, it's just far too often jerks are the only ones who ask women out. Fix that, and you'd be doing a service to the women. Everybody profits!
(Much of this was loosely cribbed from Sex Tips for Geeks, by Eric S. Raymond, which I saw linked off /. ages and ages ago. But knowing something and grokking it are different.)
Chicks don't dig jerks. Seriously. Oh, I'm sure there are some, generalizations are always wrong in specific. But for the most part, it's not the fact they're jerks that interests the women. It's a matter of signal jamming, and something much simpler too. I'll try and explain.
Women are attracted to alpha males. Just look at the kinds of women that hang around celebrities, CEOs, and other guys with fame, power, prestige, money, that sort of thing. It's not their fault, it's genetic and mental hardwiring, the same kind that makes them even attracted to guys in the first place, so not worth bitching about. And it's not absolute, but it's there. Power and social status are aphrodisiacs. And don't start smirking guys, we do the same thing. Though it's generally not to exactly the same kinds of stimulus, it's more visual. It's all a legacy of our East African Plains Ape ancestors, because it's best for the women to have children who share genes with the most successful males, who're best able to provide for said kids. Whereas guys tend to be more picking women for their health and ability to have kids who'll survive the upteen million stupid childhood diseases. But that's all just background.
What, you're wondering, do alpha males have to do with jerks? Jerks aren't usually alpha males, even though lots of alpha males are jerks! And what's all this talk about "alpha males", we're all unique and special flowers! I'll address the first question in a second. Third dude, I totally empathise with you, but there's still social hierarchies out there, and probably will be as long as there's people. Even if they're just as insipid as the local tiddlywinks league. And unlike MMORPGs, there's no floating name and rank over your head, no right click context menu to bring up the person's vital stats. What you see isn't what you get. But it's all you've got to go on. Besides what people say, there's a whole host of other kinds of communication, clothing, body language, etc, etc, etc. And if you're a geek like me, you're absolutely incompetent at reading all of that, which is part of the problem. But back to jerks.
Very few people think they're jerks. Maybe a few more than think they're evil, but maybe not. Evil's got some romance, being a jerk doesn't. But the other thing jerks don't realize is they're not alpha males. If it's stupidity, cockiness, acting, or whatever other reasons, they act like what they think they are, which is usually big badass alpha males. And since they act like it, that's what the women have to go on, at least until they figure out how to tell the cues that reveal jerks. Which, unfortunately, often have to be learned the hard way.
That's part of it. But it's not the main part. Most guys aren't alpha males. Everybody knows that. There's only so much subconscious fooling can do. No, the main reason jerks get the girls is much simpler. Because they act interested. Because they ask them out. Even if jerks are bad at reading women's signals, one of the defining traits that makes many jerks is they're self-absorbed. They don't wait around until they're sure if a woman's interested, they just go and hit on her. And if it doesn't work, they go after a different one. But that's not the important part. The important part is the asking. Even more than alpha males, women are interested in guys who act interested. Just like guys are more interested in women who act interested. Women have egos too. And if you don't act interested, they have no reason to figure you're not. Relationships aren't like nuclear war, the only way to win is to play the game.
Which doesn't mean be a jerk. Because like I said, women learn from experience, and jerks aren't worth it. Even if it fools them at first, they're not going to want to stay with a jerk. That's what Slick's been learning.
So, dudes, it's not that women like jerks, it's just far too often jerks are the only ones who ask women out. Fix that, and you'd be doing a service to the women. Everybody profits!
(Much of this was loosely cribbed from Sex Tips for Geeks, by Eric S. Raymond, which I saw linked off /. ages and ages ago. But knowing something and grokking it are different.)
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no subject
Date: 2006-01-25 03:09 pm (UTC)If it helps, it's the same thing my mother (and to some extent my aunt) used to be, which is how I know. It wounded her, for a very long time, and convinced me.
I do have a bitter stab at love. All my personal experience with love is familial, it's a dynamic I understand deeply and appreciate. As unconditional as my mother's love for me and mine for her, we both know as adult roommates now that we have faults, certain big faults, big mistakes in our past that we didn't know at the time. That love is still unconditional but it's been sorely tested as roomies now. The love I thought was unconditional from a man I greatly admired and knew far better than my own father, my grandfather, was not only completely snatched away from me, but proven utterly false. That itself is harsh. Knowing what it did to my mother, his dear dear daughter, is harsh.
So what I've seen, all growing up, is men saying they loved someone and then leaving altogether. I trust romantic love about as far as I can throw Forsyth (no offense, tube rat).
We have to make a certain amount of generalities, carp, but do understand that we understand that it's still a case by case basis. Generalities are for statistics, and those don't become people until and unless we know each and every story. Cut us a little slack? Or me, at least, I shouldn't keep speaking for Fors.
We cool?