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I could feel my lungs vibrating
May. 25th, 2005 03:54 pmI could feel my lungs vibrating. The hair on my arms pulsed in time to arbitrarily loud thumps from a beat machine and speakers large enough to curl up inside. Yes, we went to a techno club.
As I'm sure most of you aren't surprised to hear, I hadn't actually been to any clubs before. There's a couple reasons, one of which is living in the middle of frickin nowhere, with nothing around. The other is that I'm not really a club person, or much good at clubs or parties or similar. Fear my mighty introversion. But I can't say I didn't have fun. Can't say I completely enjoyed it either. I learned quite a bit though, from observation, which I am certainly happy to steal and convert into writing. Like I'm doing right now. That's part of what I enjoyed.
When we first got into the club, I found myself looking around and noting exits and watching to identify the employees, especially security, and just generally exploring. I guess some habits carry over from here. It wasn't actually that hard, to spot the obvious employees anyway. Most of the security folks had little Secret Service style ear-buds, and dressed in vaguely suit-ish outfits. And they had different body language than the club-goers. It's possible there might have been other security around, who were better at blending in, but I kinda doubt it, half the point of security at something like a club is to have them be seen, so people know they're there, so they don't try anything. It's all psychological, except for the bits where they bodily throw people out. Make the legitimate customers feel secure, make troublemakers paranoid, and let everybody know who's in charge. There was another guy, who I think was a manager, or owner, or maybe just head of security, who tried to blend in a bit more. He had on a suit, but the cuffs and neck were all unbuttoned to look rumpled. He didn't seem to have an earbud either, but I saw him talk into his collar once and then go over and have a short, quiet talk with one of the security guys, so he was obviously somebody who could give them orders.
Of course, once I realized I was doing this, I didn't stop. It did make me laugh at myself a bit though. But I was satisfied I'd spotted all the security folks and whatnot, so I paid more attention to the clubbers. There was a lot more dancing going on in the inside techno part than outside, which had more chairs and bars and played random hip-hop music. The music inside seemed to consist mostly of leaving the beatbox on repeat, with occasional changes and lots of lights flashing around, like a stereotype of techno. But when the music wasn't annoying me, I wasn't noticing it as much. The dancing I saw varied from standing there and tapping a foot or nodding (which is about all I did, I'm not much of a dancer), to extended, metaphorical sex, which is really what most dancing is anyway, some's just more formalized or involves wearing more clothes than others. Kinda like most things people do.
After a while though, I realized what I was doing, I was over-analyzing things and keeping myself separate from everything that was going on. I was just watching. So were lots of others, or at least they seemed to be, since they were just standing around, but standing around and getting drunk seems to be the standard thing to do in a club, so I could be wrong. But one of the principles I've sort of pulled out of Zen and various other things I've been thinking about is trying to live in the present. The past and future are important, but if you miss the present for them, then they're not really much of anything, just stuff that keeps accidentally happening to you along the way. Which is what life is, but if you're actually involved, you get more out of it at the time and have more control. Which wasn't what I was doing, I wasn't paying attention to the now of things, I was filing things away for the future, for things like this. And there's really got to be better things to do at a club than plan out things you're going to write to LJ. I'm bad at doing things without knowing the rules and how things are supposed to work, which was part of what my watching was about, but I tried to get into the mood of things. It was kinda like meditation, meditation's often about blocking out thinking and just experiencing, which isn't really accurate, but it's close. What I was trying to do was to stop thinking consciously and analyzing everything and just do stuff. it almost worked too, though I wouldn't advise anyone to try any kind of deep breathing in a club full of people smoking. I could feel the beat and sort of feel the shape of what people were doing and how things were supposed to go, almost thought I had it, but I couldn't let go enough to get really into it.
It's not like I could have been much worse at dancing than most of the other people dancing, rhythm and skill were definitely optional. And I'd never see any of them again, why would it matter if I made a fool out of myself, anyway? I don't know either, but. Part of the reason is, like I said, I'm not much good when I don't know anybody or "the rules" (no, not those insipid dating books, I mean the conventions and structure of the social situation, that people use to figure out how to act, I'm tone-deaf to that stuff and takes me forever to learn), I just get quiet and don't know how to act, so I don't. Another reason Fors is so much cooler than me, he picks up on social cues quickly and can bullshit through things even if he doesn't know. But he's also fictional, and much better at jokes than me too.
You'd think that an hour and a bit of watching and listening woulda helped me figure out the rules, and they probably had, well enough for me to be writing this stupidly long entry about them and me, but not enough to act on. Or I'm just insecure and not used to acting, that might be part of it too. I mean, part of the whole club thing is just ancient instinct, making noise and dancing (and sex, of course) like monkeys shouting at a storm. And I wanted to get that, but between my issues and the way of the club, it wasn't right. Or that's my excuse. I wanted to get out of the overanalyzing thing and jump around and make noise, the club was set up more for random dancing and making out in the dark, plus cynical too cool to dance posturing and tamed and civilized versions of the stuff, "safe" for middle class kids. Not so much the running around and screaming and hitting things with sticks and holy crap I just described LARPing. Heh.
But it's a general thing, I tend to think about things too much, instead of acting. Which I've been trying to change of late, but. For example, I don't drink, for several reasons, but less the health things and more the facts I don't like the taste of any of the alcohol I've had and also I'm a control freak. I don't want to drink and lose control, the thought of something like that scares the crap out of me. I did kinda think about having a drink at the club, to try and relax and loosen up a little and all that bull, but I didn't. The taste, and the massively overpriced drinks and the fact I had to drive kept me from doing it.
So, do I have any kind of conclusion or insight to draw from this? Nothing that makes a good concluding paragraph, just rambling things I've said across the length of this. And settings and descriptions and insights I'm probably going to be able to use in writing some day. Also, a couple of chicks mock-making out while dancing because it drew lots of attention from guys, which it what things like clubs boil down to in the end anyway. The attention part, not the mock-making out with chicks part. Which actually I think marks part of the reason I don't do well at clubs and things, I usually don't want attention (laugh if you will), but just let what I do be what people see and notice. I don't know, but there's 1500 words about random things for you to read, and maybe you'll learn something or not.
Tags: Me, Mindscribbles, Life, The Universe, and Everything, Music, Sex, Writing
As I'm sure most of you aren't surprised to hear, I hadn't actually been to any clubs before. There's a couple reasons, one of which is living in the middle of frickin nowhere, with nothing around. The other is that I'm not really a club person, or much good at clubs or parties or similar. Fear my mighty introversion. But I can't say I didn't have fun. Can't say I completely enjoyed it either. I learned quite a bit though, from observation, which I am certainly happy to steal and convert into writing. Like I'm doing right now. That's part of what I enjoyed.
When we first got into the club, I found myself looking around and noting exits and watching to identify the employees, especially security, and just generally exploring. I guess some habits carry over from here. It wasn't actually that hard, to spot the obvious employees anyway. Most of the security folks had little Secret Service style ear-buds, and dressed in vaguely suit-ish outfits. And they had different body language than the club-goers. It's possible there might have been other security around, who were better at blending in, but I kinda doubt it, half the point of security at something like a club is to have them be seen, so people know they're there, so they don't try anything. It's all psychological, except for the bits where they bodily throw people out. Make the legitimate customers feel secure, make troublemakers paranoid, and let everybody know who's in charge. There was another guy, who I think was a manager, or owner, or maybe just head of security, who tried to blend in a bit more. He had on a suit, but the cuffs and neck were all unbuttoned to look rumpled. He didn't seem to have an earbud either, but I saw him talk into his collar once and then go over and have a short, quiet talk with one of the security guys, so he was obviously somebody who could give them orders.
Of course, once I realized I was doing this, I didn't stop. It did make me laugh at myself a bit though. But I was satisfied I'd spotted all the security folks and whatnot, so I paid more attention to the clubbers. There was a lot more dancing going on in the inside techno part than outside, which had more chairs and bars and played random hip-hop music. The music inside seemed to consist mostly of leaving the beatbox on repeat, with occasional changes and lots of lights flashing around, like a stereotype of techno. But when the music wasn't annoying me, I wasn't noticing it as much. The dancing I saw varied from standing there and tapping a foot or nodding (which is about all I did, I'm not much of a dancer), to extended, metaphorical sex, which is really what most dancing is anyway, some's just more formalized or involves wearing more clothes than others. Kinda like most things people do.
After a while though, I realized what I was doing, I was over-analyzing things and keeping myself separate from everything that was going on. I was just watching. So were lots of others, or at least they seemed to be, since they were just standing around, but standing around and getting drunk seems to be the standard thing to do in a club, so I could be wrong. But one of the principles I've sort of pulled out of Zen and various other things I've been thinking about is trying to live in the present. The past and future are important, but if you miss the present for them, then they're not really much of anything, just stuff that keeps accidentally happening to you along the way. Which is what life is, but if you're actually involved, you get more out of it at the time and have more control. Which wasn't what I was doing, I wasn't paying attention to the now of things, I was filing things away for the future, for things like this. And there's really got to be better things to do at a club than plan out things you're going to write to LJ. I'm bad at doing things without knowing the rules and how things are supposed to work, which was part of what my watching was about, but I tried to get into the mood of things. It was kinda like meditation, meditation's often about blocking out thinking and just experiencing, which isn't really accurate, but it's close. What I was trying to do was to stop thinking consciously and analyzing everything and just do stuff. it almost worked too, though I wouldn't advise anyone to try any kind of deep breathing in a club full of people smoking. I could feel the beat and sort of feel the shape of what people were doing and how things were supposed to go, almost thought I had it, but I couldn't let go enough to get really into it.
It's not like I could have been much worse at dancing than most of the other people dancing, rhythm and skill were definitely optional. And I'd never see any of them again, why would it matter if I made a fool out of myself, anyway? I don't know either, but. Part of the reason is, like I said, I'm not much good when I don't know anybody or "the rules" (no, not those insipid dating books, I mean the conventions and structure of the social situation, that people use to figure out how to act, I'm tone-deaf to that stuff and takes me forever to learn), I just get quiet and don't know how to act, so I don't. Another reason Fors is so much cooler than me, he picks up on social cues quickly and can bullshit through things even if he doesn't know. But he's also fictional, and much better at jokes than me too.
You'd think that an hour and a bit of watching and listening woulda helped me figure out the rules, and they probably had, well enough for me to be writing this stupidly long entry about them and me, but not enough to act on. Or I'm just insecure and not used to acting, that might be part of it too. I mean, part of the whole club thing is just ancient instinct, making noise and dancing (and sex, of course) like monkeys shouting at a storm. And I wanted to get that, but between my issues and the way of the club, it wasn't right. Or that's my excuse. I wanted to get out of the overanalyzing thing and jump around and make noise, the club was set up more for random dancing and making out in the dark, plus cynical too cool to dance posturing and tamed and civilized versions of the stuff, "safe" for middle class kids. Not so much the running around and screaming and hitting things with sticks and holy crap I just described LARPing. Heh.
But it's a general thing, I tend to think about things too much, instead of acting. Which I've been trying to change of late, but. For example, I don't drink, for several reasons, but less the health things and more the facts I don't like the taste of any of the alcohol I've had and also I'm a control freak. I don't want to drink and lose control, the thought of something like that scares the crap out of me. I did kinda think about having a drink at the club, to try and relax and loosen up a little and all that bull, but I didn't. The taste, and the massively overpriced drinks and the fact I had to drive kept me from doing it.
So, do I have any kind of conclusion or insight to draw from this? Nothing that makes a good concluding paragraph, just rambling things I've said across the length of this. And settings and descriptions and insights I'm probably going to be able to use in writing some day. Also, a couple of chicks mock-making out while dancing because it drew lots of attention from guys, which it what things like clubs boil down to in the end anyway. The attention part, not the mock-making out with chicks part. Which actually I think marks part of the reason I don't do well at clubs and things, I usually don't want attention (laugh if you will), but just let what I do be what people see and notice. I don't know, but there's 1500 words about random things for you to read, and maybe you'll learn something or not.
Tags: Me, Mindscribbles, Life, The Universe, and Everything, Music, Sex, Writing
