There's a Buddha on my Bed

And he's still got those clippers. That's how I first noticed him, the quiet rhythmic clip clip, like a prayer wheel just slightly off kilter. "You seem troubled, my son," he said.

"What, you're a priest now?" I asked.

"I'm just a mirror, upon which your own perceptions reflect," he said.

I put the keyboard down and spun my chair to face him. I'd gotten sick of wasting time and trying to think of things that didn't suck to write about. "Writer's block incarnate, then?"

"I thought you didn't believe in writer's block," he replied.

"I don't believe in you, either," I said, then a toenail spanged off the wall. "Okay, cut that out, you'll put somebody's eye out. Probably the cat's. How do you even have any toenails left?" I asked.

"They're metaphorical, just like the clippers. Well, actually, the clippers are the ones from your keychain, but don't worry, they're clean, literally."

"'You will make changes before winning,'" I quoted. Two can play the fortune cookie game.

"That's good advice," he said, "but obvious and self-fulfilling, like most fortune cookies. Vague enough to be whatever."

"Sorta like you," I said.

"So what are you angsting about?" he asked.

"Me? Nothing. I'm not a big fan of angst."

"Brooding, pouting, obsessing, depressing, whichever. And that's not really you, that's Fors."

I shrugged. "Same difference, sometimes. Not often enough, though, I think. Y'wanna know why I'm unhappy? Lots of reasons," I said, "for starters, I'm not happy with my life. I'm not accomplishing anything, not enjoying my job, not meeting anybody or doing anything or laughing or loving or living. I can't even finish a stupid fanfic, for fuck's sake."

He didn't say anything, just dug at some dead skin with that little whatever-it-is pick on the back of the clippers. I don't know what you call it. I waited. "No fortune cookie quote?" I asked, finally.

He looked up. "No, you already did that. Sounds about right. I do have one question, though."

"Yes?" I asked.

"If the fanfic's so stupid, why are you trying to finish it?"

"Because people liked it," I said, "Because I enjoyed writing it. Because some of the people who were enjoying it were the creators of the comics involved, which made my fanboy side go squee."

"Doesn't sound very stupid, then."
"Well... It's not really accomplishing anything, though. Not that I want to accomplish. Or things that need to be done."

"The best caravan is lost without a map," he said.

"What's that supposed to mean? Something about the reason I'm not getting anywhere is I don't know where I'm going? Or how I can't move toward what I want if I don't know what it is? Sheesh, I sound like somebody talking to Lassie."

"Pretty much," he said, "I just made that up to sound profound. The whole point of sayings and koans and whatnot is to make you realize the things yourself. Much more satisfying that way, and more lasting than if somebody just leads you to it."

"That's a cop-out," I said, "So how should I go about figuring out what I want and what to change, then?

But he was gone, toenail clippings and all, and I was talking to myself again. Right when he coulda given useful advice. Kinda like Gandalf, who was always gone when he coulda been useful. On the other hand, he'd helped me stall long enough for it to be too late to do anything, so I had an excuse not to work on anything else. Work in the morning and all that. I keep cruising through the rest of the week and looking forward to my days off now, I find that really disturbing. I know, shut the fuck up and write.

Tags: Mindscribbles, Rabbit Hole

Time to Ramble - More Explanations of Everything

Okay, hands up out there who remembers the phrase "The power of positive thinking". Yeah, I know, it's pretty much part of the cultural zeitgeist these days, but it was a big fad back in the 80s. Everything could be fixed by positive thinking, at least according to self-help books.

The thing is, there's a kernel of truth there, the same kernel that's behind most every kind of self-help thing and learning and most of what people do. See, people are creatures of habit. This is a fairly established fact. And part of the reason why has to do with the way the human brain works and how thoughts work. At least as much as we understand them, which isn't all that well in some ways, so I freely admit I could be wrong. Also, I'm just some guy on the Internet.

So, for starters, a bit of a primer on basic neuroscience, as I understand it. When you think, neurons in your brain fire and electrical impulses and hormones slosh around in your brain. The hormones, stuff like serotonin and I forget what others jump the gap between neurons and attach to receptors. The electricity does pretty much the same thing. The impulses and hormones physically affect your brain, in that your brain grows more receptors on commonly used areas in common patterns. And the easier it is for impulses to go down those paths. While there's less receptors and such down unfamiliar paths, so it's not as easy.

This is part of how your brain grows. It does it all your life, though most easily during childhood, of course. Which is why children are so quick to learn things and so influenced by their environment. It's also part of why people resist things that make them think differently, it's literally harder. It's also how practice works, you practice doing it and strengthen and reinforce those patterns. So not ALL the busywork in school was pointless. Just most of it. It's also why people can remember things from childhood so well, like cartoon theme songs. Repetition. Repetition.

DISCLAIMER: I am in no way a trained neuroscientist. This is my own understanding based on various sources accessible to the interested layman. I could easily be wrong, or be drawing the wrong conclusions. Before changing your life, consult your doctor, shaman, psychologist, priest, or creepy Gypsy fortune teller. Your mileage may vary, offer void in some states.

That out of the way, you may be wondering, Fors, what are you talking about? Get to the point! Or you may have already jumped ahead, in which case wait for the others, we're all gonna get there.

So, habits are things that've been done so often the mental channels they use are metaphorical highways, used to the point of being practically unconscious. Most people's "default" setting is largely because of that. There's lots of other influences, genetic, environmental, hormonal, and so on too, nothing's ever simple with humans. But a lot of how we act is is done for the basic reason of "I've always acted this way."

Which is where the "Power of Positive Thinking" bit comes into play, sorta. Not in any wishing the world to do what you want sense, as somebody said, "Reality is that, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away." You can't change the world by thinking at it. Not even if you think at it really hard. (Okay, I could be wrong on this, I suppose, but I'd require proof. And yes, I realize there's the whole "skeptics canceling it out" thing, which always felt like a cop-out, but that's another essay) What you can change though, is you. And how you think, especially about you.

If you sit around thinking you can't do something, you're defeated before you start. Even if you do try and do it, you're still fighting uphill. That's one of the things from somebody, Confucius or the Five Rings guy, psych out your opponent and you can defeat them before you even start. It's not a matter of you're unable to do it, but because you're used to thinking in those terms, because your brain paths are worn that way, it's a lot easier for a setback to kick your thoughts down that way. And then you give up. And there's more to it than that. Your mood influences a lot of things about how you act, subtle things that other people can pick up on, body language, pheromones, glint in your eyes, whatever. So your basic mood affects you and how others react to you. Yeah, shocking insight, I know.

But if you sit around thinking "I suck" all the time, it spills over. And it's more likely to happen, you keep wearing that path. Or thinking things like "I'm ugly, nobody could want to be with me." That'll carry over and affect all sorts of subtle cues and become a self-fulfilling prophecy. But there's more to it, too. When your thoughts operate in circles like those, you pick up things that confirm what you're already thinking a lot easier than stuff that counters it. That goes for everything, but. If you don't believe somebody could be interested, and somebody is, you'll completely miss all their cues, or if you notice, throw them aside or not believe them. It'd take a lot more than a subtle look to bash anything down those overgrown back trails in your mind. Sledgehammers and blasting equipment, probably. And this applies to a lot of other things, this is just a conveinent one. Anything where you interact with people.

So, back to positive thinking. One of the major parts of all those was usually repetition. Repeating ten good things about you, or writing down something five times every morning. What I figure this really did was to help you start breaking new mental trails. Repetition, multiple times every day. It wouldn't kick in immediately, but it'd start, and could probably help influence your basic attitude for the rest of the day. A gradual thing, that can build on itself. Same concept as with diets that work, breaking bad habits, starting good habits. Except in this case, thinking habits.And once you break those, then other old trails can be refound, more possibilities open up for thoughts, rather than just the same old same old.

It's part of the self-feeding part of clinical depression, which also often has other chemical imbalances as partial culprits. It's probably part of how psychoanalysis works, because part of fixing something is knowing the problem, and psychologists are (supposed to be) trained in helping you find and forge those new brain paths, though I don't think most of them would put it that way.

Of course, as I said, I'm just a layman, and not trained in any of the stuff I'm babbling about, so I could be as wrong as the Time Cube guy. But it fits with what I know, and it gave me that rush of "figuring things out" when I thought of it this morning. I like figuring things out. I like to understand things. Because understanding them lets me do more things with them. And knowing how the brain works lets me hack my brain, sorta. All I've got for evidence is that I started out this morning in a good mood and it lasted all day, so we'll see how it goes. Unnaturally cheerful is a weird feeling, but enjoyable, duh.

Like I said, it's probably not any great insight, but the pieces fit together this morning. So I figured if seeing things this way helped me figure it out, maybe it'd put things into perspective for other people. And it gave me something to write about. So here's another piece, try nudging it into somewhere with your own puzzle. No, not like that, flip it over. Maybe bend it a little, there you go.

Tags: Mindscribbles

What's Important for Liberals

You should read The Decembrist, which I've quoted before. It's actually the first political blog I started reading, I don't remember from where. But here's an example of why.

Social Security is important, but...

It's a larger fight. That it seems like the forces of the Law of the Jungle are winning, but despite their rhetoric, there actually are some things government does well and should do to protect citizens. Beyond just national defense, much as I'm sure this pains my Libertarian friends.

And I think it's about time I made a new political post icon for LJ. Probably a bit from the Pledge of Allegiance. Republicans like to make a big deal about the "Under God" bit added back in the 50s, I think I'd go for "...with liberty and justice for all." Nicely liberal, don't you think?

Tags: Links, Politics

Another post worth reading

Recently, Congress passed a "bankruptcy reform bill". Essentially, this tried to make it harder for people to declare bankruptcy and make it so that the credit card companies can try and wring more money out of people. It's a bad idea. Here's Angry Bear with economic reasons why, and Slacktivist with a more Christian themed reason why.

And no, I'm not Christian, but Slacktivist's a bright guy and a good read.

Tags: Religion, Links